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Irene's Entropy: Letter 023

Written by: Joshua

I cannot remember my life before trauma pervaded my existence. Working to find my “identity” seems futile. How I perceive myself doesn’t matter much and how I am perceived by others matters even less, right?. The true test of one's identity is how I made YOU feel. That will have a resounding effect on how I’m remembered, regardless of my accomplishments or shortcomings. Have I ever made you smile, laugh, angry, provoked a thought, or had you question your actions? Those are the questions that truly matter.

No one easily admits they struggle to carve out their identity. It should be something stitched in the fiber of our being, not something that has to be cut loose from the scar tissue. My life has been one traumatic event after another. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, sexual abuse, agoraphobia, alcohol abuse, absent parents, did I mention a ton of death?! 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that climbing out of the ashes or turning time inside out doesn’t happen overnight. It’s messy and it takes more work than most are willing to put in. You have to be willing to be vulnerable to create the person you want to become. You see, at the heart of vulnerability is true strength, because it means being open and honest about your feelings, experiences, and resentments. It allows us to not only connect with ourselves on a deeper level, but to mold relationships with others to the degrees never before imaginable. It allows us to build trust, empathy, and harbor authenticity.

So, as life progresses, I look forward to the days that enrich my consciousness. The days that we devour in the name of progress. As we slip through the haunted maze of our minds, where the debris remains, it's too late to change the past, but not too late to change the tides that carry us to the vast sea of possibility.

My identity will be known not as thought, but as a feeling that cannot be ignored of denied. One that is the remedy for time. That's where I will forever dwell.

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