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Irene's Entropy: Letter 011

Updated: Apr 6


I’ve given birth 4 times.


The first 3 were to the amazing humans I physically created within my own able bodied womb.


With every birth, I learned what I was capable of, that I was stronger than I knew & that fear could stop me or change me. Each one moved me closer toward my biggest, most painful labor of them all…


At the age of 32, I began my 4th birth journey. A mom to 3 young kids, with a career to support that role. I was a good wife and church member. All the boxes were checked, all the steps taken. From the outside it was a beautiful package adorned with a pretty bow. But the inside was empty.


Something was missing. Depth? Meaning? Heart? Soul? The darkness inside showed up & went deep.


The questions went deeper— shame showed up to answer my questions, but instead it gave uncertainty, overwhelm, pain, loneliness, depression, anxiety, loss— grief, exclusion, betrayal, conditional love, judgment. The mental, emotional and physical pain & darkness crushed me. So I thought...


What I didn’t know was that what crushed me, what put me to pieces was a part of my own birthing process. Each painful stage to look & feel deeply into my own soul and heart— Who was I? Who do I want to be? What doesn’t belong here anymore?


I didn’t know because I’d never looked before— I didn’t know I could. Giving myself permission to feel the darkness, to sit with it, to look at her, it— me. All this time thinking I was broken, in pieces, because I had been told that— I wasn’t worthy or whole until I proved or earned it— but that wasn’t true.

When I really looked inside I could see I wasn’t broken at all, I’ve always been whole, complete, enough. Those other false messages were bull shit.


Once I saw this, felt it, knew it in my bones— my power came back.

The struggles didn’t disappear— the pain of still feeling excluded from those that I thought loved me unconditionally, the waves of grief— those still show up.


But it’s different now— now that I took my power back, now that I stand tall in my own truth, in my own lived experience.


I birthed myself from the inside out, it was painful. It has been my longest labor yet, AND, it has been the most meaningful.


Ali

@radiantlyrootedcoaching


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