Amy Logan & My Identity.
I was the good girl.
Growing up in the mormon faith, I felt a strong sense and need to be the
good girl. I am not sure I had that much awareness back in my high school
days, but I was doing what I had been taught to do, to be in the world but
not of the world, and I that gave me a huge sense of importance. I didn’t
think that at the time, but I felt it was important to separate myself from the
other kids who were not living the “‘gospel” standards. I was a righteous
daughter of god and I was chosen for these “latter days” to be strong and
valiant. Part of that meant to be a good example. Everything I did in my life
I put through the filter of, is this a good example for the people who may
be looking up to me?
My identity in the church was everything. I didn’t know any other way to
be. I was a good mormon girl through and through.
Then, some time in my 30s, as young mom with two little boys, I found
doubt creeping in. I started to think differently. I did all the things asked of
me and now I am a mom and I feel like something was off.
I am sure moms from all walks of life feel like that from time to time.
Motherhood is amazing and hard all at the same time, but when I was
conditioned to believe that this was THE most important thing I could do in
my life, I started to get depressed.
This is it?
I had worked so hard to stay on the straight and narrow, made all the right
decisions and now I am just supposed to endure to the end???
Something is not right. My critical thinking was starting to emerge. But it
would be 6 years before I gave myself permission to dive into my doubts.
The fear used in the church is so subtle, until it isn’t. Fear is a very strong
emotion and kept me frozen for a very long time.
I finally had to come to this place of reasoning, if there is a god, he surely
knows my heart and I has to be okay for me to think outside the box.
It took me 6 years to get to the place where fear was not running the show.
I knew that in order to figure out what life is supposed to be like, I had to
look behind the curtain.
It was scary.
So scary.
But I did eventually look.
My desire for knowledge, (ironically), was bigger than my fear and I looked
behind the curtain.
I learned that I was living in a world that was curated for me.
It wasn’t true.
It was all bullshit.
The moment, as I like to call it, felt the like the world was crashing in on
me. When my moment hit me and all the thoughts and books, and study
and realizations aligned and I could see with 100 certainty that the church
was not True with a capital T, I wanted the earth to swallow me up. I could
not stop crying and shaking. I had built my whole life on a fucking lie.
Every single decision I made in my life was built on someone else’s idea of
who I was supposed to be. I knew that when I got up off of the floor that I
found myself on, bawling my eyes out, life was never going to be the same.
I remember thinking, if I just lay here, maybe I can put everything back in
the box and wake up from this nightmare.
But that could not happen.
I was changed.
Life was going to be different.
I was not going to be taken again. I was never going to doubt myself
again.
My identity shifted from a person who believes everything people tell her,
and that feelings equal the “truth,” to being a skeptic of epic proportions.
My critical thinking was turned on and I never wanted to turn it off again.
I found my voice over the next several years.
It was hard, painful and emotionally exhausting, but, I was stepping into
who I was always meant to be, a strong, smart, intelligent woman who was
never going to let doubt be stifled again.
I was never going to allow MYSELF to be stifled again. It was okay for me
to speak out and talk about my experiences, even if it made others feel
uncomfortable.
Many friends and family did not believe me and I had to make peace with
that.
I walked away from some relationships and some people walked away
from me.
But I walked toward myself and that is what mattered.
I learned to trust myself and that is the greatest gift one can give
themselves.