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Irene's Entropy: Letter 008

Updated: Apr 6


Amy Logan & My Identity.


I was the good girl.


Growing up in the mormon faith, I felt a strong sense and need to be the

good girl. I am not sure I had that much awareness back in my high school

days, but I was doing what I had been taught to do, to be in the world but

not of the world, and I that gave me a huge sense of importance. I didn’t

think that at the time, but I felt it was important to separate myself from the

other kids who were not living the “‘gospel” standards. I was a righteous

daughter of god and I was chosen for these “latter days” to be strong and

valiant. Part of that meant to be a good example. Everything I did in my life

I put through the filter of, is this a good example for the people who may

be looking up to me?


My identity in the church was everything. I didn’t know any other way to

be. I was a good mormon girl through and through.


Then, some time in my 30s, as young mom with two little boys, I found

doubt creeping in. I started to think differently. I did all the things asked of

me and now I am a mom and I feel like something was off.


I am sure moms from all walks of life feel like that from time to time.

Motherhood is amazing and hard all at the same time, but when I was

conditioned to believe that this was THE most important thing I could do in

my life, I started to get depressed.


This is it?


I had worked so hard to stay on the straight and narrow, made all the right

decisions and now I am just supposed to endure to the end???


Something is not right. My critical thinking was starting to emerge. But it

would be 6 years before I gave myself permission to dive into my doubts.

The fear used in the church is so subtle, until it isn’t. Fear is a very strong

emotion and kept me frozen for a very long time.


I finally had to come to this place of reasoning, if there is a god, he surely

knows my heart and I has to be okay for me to think outside the box.

It took me 6 years to get to the place where fear was not running the show.

I knew that in order to figure out what life is supposed to be like, I had to

look behind the curtain.


It was scary.


So scary.


But I did eventually look.


My desire for knowledge, (ironically), was bigger than my fear and I looked

behind the curtain.


I learned that I was living in a world that was curated for me.


It wasn’t true.


It was all bullshit.


The moment, as I like to call it, felt the like the world was crashing in on

me. When my moment hit me and all the thoughts and books, and study

and realizations aligned and I could see with 100 certainty that the church

was not True with a capital T, I wanted the earth to swallow me up. I could

not stop crying and shaking. I had built my whole life on a fucking lie.


Every single decision I made in my life was built on someone else’s idea of

who I was supposed to be. I knew that when I got up off of the floor that I

found myself on, bawling my eyes out, life was never going to be the same.

I remember thinking, if I just lay here, maybe I can put everything back in

the box and wake up from this nightmare.


But that could not happen.


I was changed.


Life was going to be different.


I was not going to be taken again. I was never going to doubt myself

again.


My identity shifted from a person who believes everything people tell her,

and that feelings equal the “truth,” to being a skeptic of epic proportions.

My critical thinking was turned on and I never wanted to turn it off again.

I found my voice over the next several years.


It was hard, painful and emotionally exhausting, but, I was stepping into

who I was always meant to be, a strong, smart, intelligent woman who was

never going to let doubt be stifled again.


I was never going to allow MYSELF to be stifled again. It was okay for me

to speak out and talk about my experiences, even if it made others feel

uncomfortable.


Many friends and family did not believe me and I had to make peace with

that.


I walked away from some relationships and some people walked away

from me.


But I walked toward myself and that is what mattered.


I learned to trust myself and that is the greatest gift one can give

themselves.

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1 Comment


Dave Cygan
Dave Cygan
Oct 19, 2022

Irene, I have been invited to your home for a house gig and am really looking forward to it. Your music is outstanding. I know we have friends in common as well as being like minded. So proud that you found yourself.

Dave 2.0

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